Wonder Woman, maybe?
Have you ever been so sick that you can’t lift your head off the pillow. The faint sound of the fan spinning above your head feels more like hearing a Boeing 737 take off while standing on the runway right next to the engine. The taste of coffee is anything but pleasing and quit frankly taste more like the cat box that you haven’t changed in 2 weeks because your dog eats that cat poop and you are mad at the dog for eating your favorite bra, so you’re like..yea eat the poop man!
That has been a snippet of my life this week, sickness running through everyone in our household that has somehow created a madness in my head that I didn’t know existed. I lied, well I kinda knew that my mind starts to wonder when it feels like I am trapped in this little bubble.
I find myself trying to make space for everyone and everything, while in the moment it feels like I’m on a never ending farris wheel - farris wheels are my biggest fear, seriously I hate them more than anything. The kids are all needing me to care for them while they battle the same upper respiratory infection that I have. The animals are looking at me with crazy eyes because they all want to be outside hiking in the woods. The dishes are never ending and the spell of Myers is now starting to smell anything other than gardenia because I am cleaning every nook and cranny in our home. Truth - all I want is a freaking sick day. I want to call in sick so so bad, but I can’t…or can I?
Somewhere in my life thinking I had to be on my game all the time, became me. I had to make sure I was raising incredible kiddos that I was trying so hard every day not to fuck up. I was making sure my house was “Pintrest Perfect” while still emulating a cozy, crazy “Christy” feel. I was making sure my body was healthy and that I didn’t only wear yoga pants. I was making sure I was a loving wife, daughter, sister and friend who had zero faults and was there for everyone all the time. I was trying to be the star floral designer/grower in our community - nah in all of WNY - wait all of NY - I was going to be bigger than Martha flipping Stewart!
Are you exhausted yet? I know I am! I am tired just writing all of this and thinking to myself..what the hell woman. Honestly, I feel like that is thrown on all of us, trying to do it all. The constant pressure to be more, to need more, to want more. For our dreams to be bigger, our goals to be almost unreachable and our time to be spread so thin that we are sitting here thinking, where did my day go.
This past week I took the time to really look inside myself while I was doing the dishes, looking out the kitchen window at the deer in the field. I found myself being humbled by the moment instead of stressed that the dishes were in the sink in the first place. I was standing there, almost robotic like, letting the warm soapy water flow over my hands while I slowly washed the dish in this methodical circular motion. Not even realizing what I was doing. I found my mind wondering to the deer, their life circling around finding food and shelter every day and how simplistic their life seemed - I just wanted a little slice of that.
I don’t know when I started to feel like I had to do it all, and to do it all well? I look back and I honestly think it was when I got on social media back in 2013. It was like this crazy wall of shame for not being half of what these other women were that were instantly thrown in-front of my face. Like, what the hell is this crazy world of one upping people, taking photos at the perfect angle to make yourself look skinnier than you are. This world where mom shaming is a legit thing on a daily basis. Where sorting through your friends list is something that people post to let others know…you might be on some sort of virtual chopping block. Where hating someone you know or don’t know because of their political or personal views is the norm. Where the process of being more creative, perfectly perfect yet showing that you are a real human is like a slap in the face! Like, wait….you want me to post this photo of me perfectly made up, with a perfect floral design that is captured in the perfect light that will perfectly showcase how authentic I am and I have to then write a real, but not too real post about how perfectly imperfect my life is! Bring on the Zoloft folks.
Are you exhausted yet? Is your mind running 1,000 miles a minute wondering if you have done the same thing! Are you starting to almost feel shameful about it? Dude, I get it! I feel you one hundred percent. What have we got ourselves into these days because to me it feels like a constant uphill battle with our inner selves that I don’t know if any of us will ever win. This constant battle to showcase our lives in a way that is anything but authentic, all so we can seem more authentic.
When I started my business I remember saying I wanted to just share flowers with everyone in our community. Then I grew, I grew as a designer, a farmer and a professional. I knew as a business woman I could not give all of my flowers away for free. I knew as a designer I wanted to create more of an organic yet higher end feel for my clients - meaning my flowers would have to be a bit more price wise to achieve that look. I knew as a farmer I need more land, proper irrigation, proper equipment, proper storage, proper growing techniques and maybe even a hand or two to help me.
To achieve some of these goals I definitely set some boundaries in my professional life that I needed to, to make this all not only happen, but to do it successfully. Setting boundaries is hard! It takes a lot of guts to say no, to say…”hey this is how I feel and I hope you can understand”. Setting professional boundaries is still not as hard as personal ones though. Ugh, let me tell you. Telling someone you love no, I will not do that or this needs to stop….let me runaway right now!
In my little world being a strong woman, showing Iris that her mom can do it all and still love herself, her family, her friends, her work and her life…that is a lot to put on ones shoulders, I don’t care who you are. Just doing one of those things is a lot, it is so much energy of ones soul to make sure they are loving everyone enough.
This past September I took my annual trip for my soul. It is something I do for myself every year since Finn was three. This year I went to Montana to a women’s retreat called NINE where I learned so much about myself, but where I looked inside myself and saw my biggest fear. Nope, it wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough at my business, that I didn’t love myself enough, that I didn’t love my husband enough, that I wasn’t a good enough friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, wife, aunt, niece….It was that I was a horrible mom. That was my biggest fear, the fear that even though I had done the work, I had grown a successful business, I had fought for my marriage, I was living my dreams and on the outside I looked like I had it all together and was confident in all of my roles as a woman. Truth was I was sobbing as I wrote my biggest fear on that piece of wood. Telling 50 other bad ass women that you saw yourself as a horrible mother, that was horrifying and uplifting all at the same time.
I wasn’t judged - not for a moment. I was cheered on as my voice quivered as I held up that board and said out loud my biggest fear. That somewhere in all that was good in my life I was constantly afraid that I was raising serial killers who would then blame me for all of their issues in life, when all I wanted to do was love them as much as my heart would let me. I just want them to know that I love them and that I will fuck them up in some way I am sure, but it won’t be on purpose, it won’t be because I didn’t try and it won’t be because I didn’t love them. I will never tell them that my biggest fear is being a horrible mom, yet some days I ask them what I can do to make them feel better or feel more loved. I still have no idea if I am supposed to do that, or admit that I fear being a mom..maybe because in the world of social media I am supposed to look like I have it all together, when in reality, even that people writing the “How To” post are most likely writing it in on their kitchen table that is from a second hand store, next to a sink full of dishes with some random stray cat on their lap and adjacent to the kid that fell asleep on the couch in their school clothes.
In conclusion to my randomly thought spewing post, I am good with just trying and done with trying to be perfect at all that I am supposed to be. I will mess up more times than I will succeed. I will need a friend or loved one to bring me back down to earth when I am being an asshat. I will raise my kids to be my kids and will love them no matter what. I will honor myself instead of judging myself. I will know that in life people have their own crapnasticness going on and most of the time it has nothing to do with me, but maybe they just needed a friend to ask them how they were. That life is so much more than what is constantly showcased on social media, it is rough, messy and anything but perfect…for all of us!!!!
Cheers my loves, may you see yourself for who you are and not what you feel like you are supposed to be. Now go drink some hot coffee or tea, watch some ridiculous show or listen to some crazy audio book or podcast in the car and settle your mind and know that you are enough.